Love is in the air

Like many I too have been ruminating on the recent conversations around (romantic and non-romantic love) other types of loves and the deconstruction of “traditional “ ways of expressing love, in community building and interpersonal romantic endeavors and where the two cross. In the romantic sphere, polyamory has a special spotlight.

I am all about deconstructing tradition. Please excuse this heteronormative slant, it is my observation that in activist and artistic communities, where these conversations seem to be gaining traction – to put it frankly where there are more queer and straight women in these communities (the activist, academic, and in some aspect the artistic circles, oftentimes these three intersect as well) how do you go about who is benefiting mostly, with the history of “sexual freedom” pendulum on one end with straight men of color and white men on the fulfilling side of it. Not trying to complicate it further in matters of the heart (too) power dynamics and privilege are still present. In a sexist racist structure in our redefining love and living out our vision these realities spill over.

Expressing love, and poly amorously or not, when we look at poverty, low-income immigrant women, overworked single mothers/fathers, incarcerated and homeless women, women in the Global South, class seems to affect this conversation a bit.

A wise woman I have the privilege of knowing shared with me something fairly simple, “self-empowerment” and healthily loving an “other(s)” as we mindfully engage in relationships is key. When we speak of love, like I mentioned before radically loving ourselves is good philosophy to live by, specifically as I have in mind the many people of color that populate the communities I belong in, and the knowledge of many realities around oppression.

Life is unfair, yes but when speaking of dating, whether in polyamory , monogamy , or something else that bends that binary, this takes me back to the “Let’s Talk About Sex” conference, for a couple reasons. Though I was unable to attend (due to conference attending being fairly expensive which I’ve written about before) the ideas around “safety, health, well-being, and our human right to positive sex and sexuality” (Collective Voices, Volume 2 Issue 7) is my main interest.

It is widely documented women of color are disproportionately getting infected with HIV and other STIs. So, safe sex practices combined with pleasure is where I am also at, self-worth in their own healing journey to decolonize own bodies and minds in safe sexual behaviors and embracing pleasure not at the risk of well-being. In a culture that has taught many women of color to put their needs last, even sexual needs, communicating what we want, need, how to self-pleasure and things such as not wearing a condom in heterosexual sex because it infringes of the pleasure of the other person and where I want to influence the discourse is safe pleasurable sex, regardless of one’s mode of expression, because in embracing healthy sexuality and pro-sex engagements, our lives are on the line.

As I try like my good friend suggested last night, not to complicate everything too much with introspection, but the truth is we live in a world with STIs skyrocketing, many young women of color and men of color internalized self-hatred, in a sexist/racist/classist/ableist/heterosexist world we navigate, thus we survive, redefine, celebrate and build from there.

Recently, on a fluffy yet healthy note when I think about loving, the love letters to myself rush to me, inspired by Eryka Badu’s recent Tweets. Let’s try that exercise.