becoming the mothers we needed

my grandmother’s birth certificate says she is de color.  Her mother in the 1930 censo de los estados unidos: poblacion-puerto rico says she 28, de color. Her father is listed as B for blanco. In the 1910 census, when this tatatabuelo was 13, he is listed as m for mulatto, his mother black/de color and his father mulatto.  My grandmother is 4 at the time.  in america we are less than and not enough. she gave up my mom when she was five to be raised by her sister, but kept the son. If I could, I would ask her if she ever hugged him. and what was hard about raising a five year old girl. When I was about 9 I tried to hug my mom and she pushed my hands away. I rolled away and stared at the ceiling, this is the age- where you don’t get hugged anymore.  Later, I tried to become the mother I needed and the parts that I wanted. When my grandmother died on sunday, my mom said she mourned all the things that she could have done. Do we always try to be so different from our parents and does it work out.

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Noemi
admin & queen at Hermana Resist Press
Noemi is a sirena, poet-curandera living in South Texas. A writer, cultural critic and historian, she enjoys paints, gesso, tattoos and eating.

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