I feel March and April are always anniversaries of deaths and this year it was the same. Spring. i was born in March, rebirth. Should I issue apologies to friends and editors for sad poem after poem, but everyone is also dealing with their own losses. We are always in magic flux aren’t we. I feel like this magical feeling of living in the same universe of such great possibilities is growing tiny. I have so many regrets. Radical ideas will get you nowhere.
I reach out like they say we are supposed to, but everyone is already so sad. We are a 90s MTV music video. anxiety makes everything exhausting.
This was me in at the end of March on my birthday. I had been having trouble walking because of some intense back pain. I hadn’t been able to go grocery shopping. A tia died and I wasn’t able to attend the funeral in Houston. on a wednesday, I think it was and able to walk the hallway without stopping or crying and I drove the kids to the dollar tree to buy food. The next day I drove them to get vegan ice cream to make some sort of vegan ice cream cake for my birthday. My mom texted me, have you gone to the hospital yet? I laughed and texted her back, what-our people don’t go to the hospital unless we’re dying. I’m not there yet. I felt like such a rockstar. How strange to both feel momentarily and superficially beautiful (I use that word when I really mean I’m able to view myself as a person and without disgust etc etc)at the same time feeling functionally useless as a person and in society and hideous and all those other strange things that make us how we are.
half the time I’m fighting my body with pain telling it to stop being so painful. the other half my body/mind is telling me I shouldn’t be alive. It’s as if the pain part of my body is reminding me of how much I hated my body-paying me back for how unkind I was. I know that studies and science say there is a connection to pain and depression. I don’t know what comes first and what is there to remind us of the other but these are the only two channels left.