I have always been the one I needed most. When all this started, I mentally went through the people I had been in love with or in relationships and how different it would be if I had that support of someone. Even if that someone had wronged me in terrible ways, unforgiving even when we know it we continue these paths, and even though the persons are not even shadows of the former selves I fell for, I played in my mind how it would be to have a shoulder or a kind word or the reassurance of a lover and partner-that it was okay, this would pass, that being strong for her was enough to bring her back. All words I had been repeating to myself-every morning, be strong for her, be strong for them.
And I felt angry too, at the people I had invited into my life and had formed relationships with, given the opportunity to see her light or feel this softness and they had not wanted this path; the loss, their loss, to not have experienced her smile or learned about our lazy Saturday habits or invested time to play with kids that were your own or not your own.
And sometimes I thought I would break, that this layer would crumble and there wouldn’t be anyone left–for me, for her. But what happened? I was enough. I was all I needed.