one long run on sentence; one long dream
I hardly dream because I dream so much when I’m awake. Last night I had three dreams about acquaintances. Nowadays you have to say acquaintances. Friends will be a word I reserve from now on-lessons learned. First I was making my way to a school as an adult. It’s a recurring dream I’ve had for years. I return to this school after getting my GED but I have to take more classes to graduate. I get lost in the maze of the high school. It’s a mixture of Edinburg HS and Elsa HS and a mall. I don’t have an ID. I run past the front office. I can’t find my locker. I mentally forget my combination. I need to log onto a computer. My next classes are math and literature. I get fed up and say I’m good with just a GED and try to leave. I can’t find my way out. An acquaintance shows up. The school turns into a local community college. She asks what I’m doing there. She is cute and wearing something COOL like with suspenders and walking her bike as she talks to me. She teaches there, wears cute purple eyeliner and dyes her hair purple. She has a tattoo of la virgen on her chest. I lie. Say I’m there for an interview to teach. I’m really there for a remedial class even though I already have a degree. I wonder if she’ll find out. I don’t deserve her as a friend I figure and hope she never looks at my face. Then I’m in a car with an acquaintance. He is driving a tiny car. We are on a date. It was never like that in real life. It’s a tiny car made of foil. My door starts to fly off. We stop and I put it back on with a bungee cord. I had one in my pocket because I am handy to have around like that. I say I’m sorry I fucked up your car even though it wasn’t my fault. He starts driving thru a muddy field and I tell him his car won’t make it across. We stop and I pull the car out of the mud, I lift it like wings. I feel bad for him and we are having sex in his room. I figured we could though I’m not feeling him like that but he’ll cuddle afterwards and do the things I want to do so it’s all good and I hope he doesn’t look at my face. Friends are good like that in some ways. Then I’m back home and hear an acquaintance committed suicide. I think of the small times we spent together and how I was unable to open myself up to their friendship. I feel bad for their friends. I begin to be awkward to what I should say to them. I wake up thinking about suicide and friends and acquaintances. that should have stayed far away from you, acquaintances that you’d welcome to become more. You begin to wonder if you should reach out to these awkward acquaintances but your awkwardness doesn’t let you. Have been keeping acquaintances at arm’s length, at an reasonably distance, at a safe no friend zone because acquaintances turned friend turned lovers turned fuck you over and manipulate you/harm you senseless has got me feeling a certain way. But I know in the histories of my life as its written and filed up in my brain, acquaintances and friends have gotten me up when I was down, let me heal on my own ways, shined my life in different ways. they have not all been narcissistic in that certain way, have not policed what I wrote online and picked apart my poetry; there have been lifelines and there have been lines crossed. And I remember what my friend said about a person in my life, there are some people who are just black holes and they want to take everything down with them. Now said friend is gone, the good bright friendship we had turned into an acquaintanceship I was never able to get back then it was too late. Some people are black holes. And you let them into your life and quiet that telling naggin feeling in your gut. The one you listen to always. You were lonely in a hospital chair and finally when that naggin feeling hits you full force, you are 1,000 miles away from home in a strange city in a dusty room with no water and you’ve already spent too much money on giving love a chance so it becomes a retreat from home and you turn off the part of you that you should listen to. So now you keep friends and acquaintances at safe distances not trusting your black hole meter any more. “I seem to attract black holes” I tell my friend late at night lighting candles. “They are not all black holes” I tell my friend late at night. I tried to kiss my friend late one night, to thank them for their help. I offered it as a sort of payment because I didn’t have anything else to offer. He did the right thing. We snuggled and I did not have to give any of my parts away as payment. as gratitude.